I had never had any secrets from my wife before. Well, not like this. Like every man I took the opportunity to jerk off when I was alone. It was a given that a man would enjoy the freedom to just pleasure himself when he had the chance, with no responsibility to anybody else.
But now I was living a double life. Jamie consumed my every waking thought, and sometimes even invaded my dreams. There was something about him that had imprinted on my being; something about his essence that called to me in mute, yet articulate ways. My soul lurched towards him at unexpected moments during each day, when I was about my business and should be focusing on mundane tasks. I felt as if my reality was splitting, and I was being split effectively into two distinct men, one a mere shadow of the other.
[sociallocker]It was particularly telling in my interactions with my wife. Whereas I had always been present and warm, I could feel my heart go out of focus when I thought of Jamie, almost as if its life essence inhabited another space. It was somewhere, wherever it was that Jamie found himself and I didn’t have the strength to manifest it in two places at once. She began to notice.
To be honest, I felt helpless. When I wasn’t with Jamie it felt like I was moving through a dream, living a half-life, only sustained by the tenuous contact we had over Whatsapp during the day. I was spending a lot more time on my phone and couldn’t prevent the joy that Jamie’s messages brought from tickling my face with an enigmatic little smile.
“What’s so funny, my Love?”
Her voice reached across from that other reality, the one in which I had lived with such blithe ignorance only a few days before. It impinged upon the sweetly inane chatter Jamie flung across the ether to provide me with such joy.
“No, nothing Love, Just a client asking me some stupid question again. I just can’t believe sometimes how thick they can be.”
That seemed to placate her, but I didn’t take in the transition from suspicious to satisfied because my attention was already being sucked into the further conversation I was having with Jamie.
“Guess who hit me up again today, out of the blue,” Jamie’s words appeared on the screen—magic symbols that transported me to our shared cyber-nirvana.
“Dunno. Who?”
Up to that point it had all been lighthearted and romantic; pleas to see me again soon and protestations of love and horniness, but suddenly my existence tilted.
“Nadine.”
I had nothing for a moment. I knew that I couldn’t hold on too long, because I didn’t want him to suspect that I was jealous and because I wanted him to have a normal life, be happy and well adjusted. I knew that Jamie loved the girl and it had been her dumping him that had finally brought us together.
“Wow, that’s out of nowhere!” I volunteered. “What did she say?”
“She wanted to know why I was so scarce.”
“And what did you tell her?”
My heart was in my mouth. I didn’t want to hear his reply.
“I told her I found a boyfriend lmao!”
“Damn, Jamie, what did you go and do that for? She’s liable to tell the whole world! What did she say to that?”
“Of course she was pissed and said I should get serious and talk to her when I had something useful to say.”
It figures: nobody would believe that of Jamie. He was the poster boy for straight desirability. There were more rumors about Jesus and his disciple John than about Jamie. I needn’t have worried. Relief flooded me and I felt close to tears. But I had to ask, even if I didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Do you think she’s trying to hook up again?”
“Nah, she just hates that I’m not running after her anymore, is all. And I’m not, cos I have u. We’re tite, and that’s all I need.”
‘For now,’ I thought, but nonetheless the reprieve left me feeling like a prisoner on death row.
“Do you ever see the two of you getting together again?”
My heart was in my mouth. I don’t know why, because if everything worked out right, the answer should be ‘yes’ at some point or another, whether it was now or later; with her or some other girl.
‘Much later,’ I hoped, silently.
“Dunno,” he answered truthfully. “I still love her, but what you and me have is enough for now. I just wanna spend time getting to know you and appreciating what you’re all about. I’ve loved you longer than her anyway haha.”
Music to my ears. I felt like I had dodged a bullet.
“Jamie, you shouldn’t talk like that. You're a normal teenager, and you should be playing the field; getting experience.”
Frowny face icon, with tufts of smoke coming out of the nostrils.
“Unka D, are you trying to dump me?!!!??”
Clearly I’d hit a nerve.
“Jamie, no! I just want you to be happy..! How can you be happy and live a normal teenage life when you hanging around with an old bloke like me!?”
“Don’t say that!! Right now you are all I have and I can’t lose you!!??”
I got up, rushed outside and dialed his number. The voice that answered was hoarse with unshed tears.
“H’lo…”
“Hey Jamie,” I started. “That’s not what I mean…”
Some sniffs, a clearing of the throat.
“Can you come fetch me, Unka D? –I want you to hold me—”
My mind raced. If I lied and told my wife I had to go and see a client, she’d think nothing of it. I decided to try the truth. It had worked up to now.
“Hold on Jamie, I’ll see what I can do.”
I walked inside the house and found my wife doing some scrapbooking at the dining room table.
“My Darling, Jamie is having a relapse,” I said softly, my hand over the mouth piece, “and he asked if I would come and chat to him. Is that ok?”
I saw doubt hover across her face like silt in a pond that had been stirred up by a solitary pebble. Then her customary smile broke through and compassion won the day.
“Of course, Love, just remember it’s a school day and you shouldn’t keep him too long.”
“Good thinking.”
I uncovered the mouthpiece and spoke to Jamie again.
“Jamie, are you sure that your dad will be ok with that?”
I listened for a moment and then turned to my wife again.
“He’s asking his dad,” I said softly while listening to the conversation on the other end. There was some muffled talking and then Jamie came back on.
“Unka D, dad says I can’t go out. He said we will have to chat here. Is that ok?”
“Of course Jamie,” I replied, already foreseeing that I might have to be satisfied with only being with him and not touching him. I was so starved for him that I would be satisfied with any scraps at all.
“I’ll be right over. I’ve got some things I need to discuss with your dad as well,” I added, just to reinforce the legitimacy of the visit in my spouse’s eyes. And maybe my own, I don’t know.
I leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head. She looked up at me and there was such trust in her eyes that a twinge of guilt shot through me. I took a breath, stood up and went outside. As I got into my car I was aware that I had butterflies in my tummy. I felt like a teenager on my way to visit my hot new girlfriend.
Only I was going to visit my hot new boyfriend.
* * * *
When I arrived at their house I tooted at the gate as usual. It opened and I drove into the driveway. I had done the same a hundred times before but never for this exact reason. In the past my visits had always been to chat to Stephan or I had been with my wife and kids visiting our best friends. At the most I had given Jamie and his brother David a quick hug or a pat on the back and then moved on to the adult conversation.
The difference made me feel like I had felt the first time I visited my first real girlfriend, Sylvia, at home. Her dad was German and an odd stick of a man that always acted like I’d been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Wise man, because the moment I was alone with his blonde, busty daughter, I had my tongue down her throat and my hand in her bra. I would never allow my own daughter to be alone with a guy in her bedroom because I was aware that the threat of being caught was no great deterrent. And here I was… I shook my head as I walked up the pathway towards the house. Just then Stephan came out of the front door to welcome me and saw me.
“What’s the problem, D? You look like you’ve got problems. Anything I can help you with?”
“No,” I said, hugging him and pressing my cheek against his. I loved this man almost as much as I loved his son, but of course as a brother. We had supported each other through so many different crises that we basically knew everything there was to know about each other.
‘Until now,’ I thought ruefully. He and my wife were in good company.
I murmured into his ear, “I was just thinking how cut up Jamie still is about Nadine. Apparently she’s been Whatsapping him, asking him where he’s disappeared to. I think the mixed messages are confusing him.”
I figured a half-truth was better than an outright lie.
As we released Jamie appeared at the door, came over to me and hugged me fiercely. The strength of the young guy, the virility of him knocked the breath out of me and I became dimly aware of a sudden rush of blood from my brain to my groin—causing momentary dizziness. His cheek was against mine and I was aware of moisture there. He pulled away suddenly, turned away and rushed back into the house.
His dad shrugged, mimed, ‘I don’t know,’ and motioned for me to follow the clearly troubled teenager. I shrugged in answer and complied.
I went straight to Jamie’s room, passing his brother’s room on the way. I poked my head in and muttered “hey” to David, who rolled his eyes and shook his head with a sad smile in the direction of his brother’s room, which was right next-door.
As a matter of “protocol” I knocked and waited for Jamie to let me in. The voice on the other side was muffled and I opened the door and stuck my head around. He was lying back on his double bed. A tearful face greeted me but a smile broke through like a rainbow after a storm. The curtains were drawn although it was the middle of the day, but his room looked out on their entertainment area and patio so whatever we did in there would otherwise have been visible.
I opened the door, stepped through, closed it behind me and stood with my back against it. Jamie got up from his bed and rushed over to me. He threw himself into my arms and put his head against my chest, his arms between me and him. I gripped him in an intense embrace and kissed his head, his face, cheeks and eventually his lips. Our mouths, fiercely tender, lingered against each other as we breathed each other in.
“Unka D,” he whispered, “I missed you so much. When Nadine Whatsapped me I felt like I was slipping away again into that scared, lonely place.”
“It’s ok, my boy, come, let’s sit on your bed and talk.”
I led him over to his bed and we sat on the side. He held my left hand in both of his on his lap. He hung his head. The stubble on his scalp was coming through beautifully now. I wondered where this was going, when I noticed his shoulders were shaking. Not long after I felt warm tears drip onto my hand. I pulled my hand out of his and put my arm around his shoulder and drew him towards me. I reached around with my other arm and pulled him into me. My mouth was against his cheek. I puckered my lips and felt the tears wet them as the moisture trailed out of his eyes. I could see his eyelashes, which clumped together, the crystals the only visible testament to his heartbreak.
“What is it baby boy?” I whispered.
That opened the floodgates. Gut wrenching groans ground out of the core of him. He leaned forward, sobs dragging him downward, until he collapsed and wept into my lap. The only thing that I could do was put my hand on his head and let him get it out. After about five minutes—which seemed like an eternity—his weeping lessened, until, with a profound sigh, he reached peace.
I leaned forward and kissed the stubbly back of his head. He sat up slowly, turned towards me and his puffy eyes were the most beautiful sight I had ever beheld. His lips strove to move and I could see that wat he was about to say required an almost super-human effort.
“It’s ok, Jamie my love. Tell me.”
Up to now his eyes had not met mine. Now he cast his eyes upwards and when his gaze locked with mine, I was done for. His lips still worked as he grappled with what he was trying to say but I didn’t let him finish. I shushed him with my kiss. At last he quieted his heart enough to speak.
“When Nadine Whatsapped… me I got… so… scared.”
I nodded at him to continue.
“But at first I just joked with her…” I could see fear cloud his brown eyes.
“Unca D, if I have a girlfriend, I’m scared that…that…you will leave me.” He gathered speed.
“And then earlier on Whatsapp, when we chatted, you sounded like you wanted me to get a girlfriend again and it felt like you were trying to get rid of me....”
“No, baby boy…”
He cut me off.
“Dee, you’ve made me your boy and I can’t go back…” He started sobbing again. “I can’t go back…!”
He put his hand behind my head and wrenched me into him and kissed me hard.
The door opened. I couldn’t see who it was but my heart stopped. I heard Stephan’s voice.
“Jamie…”
Jamie shoved me away from him hard and the look of horror on his face coincided with the fatal knowledge in my heart that the world as I knew it has just this minute, come to an end.